Welcome to my new website and my first blog here!
As a celebration of creating this new website and my upcoming birthday, I wanted to make time for something I love doing, writing. Here’s some reflections as I embark on a new chapter in my life.
As I hurtle towards the big 3 0, I have made small pockets of time to reflect on life the last few years. As you expect with life, there’s been lots of ups and downs. We’ve had celebrations, losses, adventures, wonderful moments and memories to look back on, as well as a big dose of stressful times. But this upcoming birthday also coincides with another big marker. It’s approaching 5 years since I came out of my last depressive episode. 5 whole years. I’m taking a moment to process that as I write it.
It’s been 5 years since I was terrified of another day starting. I was hiding from friends, life and myself. Where I couldn’t even talk without an all encompassing fear taking hold.
It’s been 5 years since I genuinely believed I couldn’t recover and this was my reality, there was no way out.
It’s been 5 years since I couldn’t run a mile, or cycle more than 10, after spending months on end lying down, not moving.
5 years since I took those first steps to heal, fully.
I don’t remember a lot of the time when I was depressed, and I don’t need to go into the details of it to explain how truly awful that place is (this won’t be a trauma dumping space, promise).
I want this to mark the 5 year cornerstone and celebrate the work I have put in to get this far. Allowing myself to heal, learning to believe in myself, trust myself and my path and how this has led me to enjoying life again and thriving.
Over the last few years I haven’t been as vocal in sharing my story on socials. Not that there is a right or wrong way, I think I have allowed myself real breathing space. Socials become noisy and then I begin to question things (I’m a philosopher at heart) like – do I want to add to that noise? Do I have things to share? Plus I have learnt keeping things personal is special. But I want to find my voice again in other ways, hence re starting a blog.
I have been thinking about what I would say to the hurting, terrified, Lauren who felt trapped in that dark place, she couldn’t see any other possibilities of reality? What could I share with her to help ease her pain? I came up with these few things…
- You’re not stuck. Despite what your mind is telling you, there is another life waiting for you. I know it feels more than impossible right now, but if you stop fighting against life, you can start living again.
- Getting well will take a really really really long time. Like seriously. Your friends are still here, how wonderful is that? They are still here supporting you, and they believe you will get better, so you have to trust them, even if you don’t believe it right now. And I know you don’t want to, but you need to listen to them when they say you need to go to the doctors and start counselling (again). There is no quick fix, but you have people rooting for you and you will start to believe that you are worth fixing soon, too.
- Everyone’s path is different. Listen to your gut and trust your inner voice. Seriously, Lauren. It knows stuff. Listen to what brings you joy and you will find your way. Trust that.
- Let go of past identities. Stop comparing yourself to others and your past self. It’s causing you more pain and stopping you from healing. Everyone’s path is different. Yes, it may not be how you expected life to turn out, but that’s OK. There’s another version of you waiting, and you will learn to love her.
- It’s OK to make mistakes. I know you feel you have failed miserably, but actually, everyone makes mistakes. It’s quite a healthy and an important part of life. You just need some support in learning how to process hard emotions, ‘mistakes’ and difficult life situations. Through counselling, you will learn how to do this.
- Notice all the small things around you. Go. Outside. Take a step outside. Go on the walk with your friend. Notice the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair. Start writing those grateful lists again to help embed those small things you notice and what you’re grateful for. And in 5 years time, you will be noticing the snow drops popping up everywhere and a red squirrel will visit your garden every morning. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. Seriously.
So much has happened in these 5 years. As I edge closer to entering my 30’s, I’m just so grateful for being here and building a life that feels so aligned with my values. I no longer worry about what my purpose is, which was a big anguish when I first struggled with depression. I’m so grateful, and privileged, to have had the space to heal and end up here. And I’m excited for what’s next, to go all in on this LMB Coaching journey. Hopefully you will join me!
What to expect from future blogs…
I haven’t made a plan yet! But I imagine there will be a mixture of sharing some coaching tips, anecdotes, things I have learnt from my journey and sharing other stories. Let’s see where it takes us!
Thanks for reading,
Big love,
LMB x